The evening somehow seemed peaceful, the wind was blowing softly as the leaves danced to their sweet melody. The moon in the sky showed completeness and the stars glistened silently… but it seemed as though everything was grieving over the immense tragedy, the loss of a friend, the heartbreak of a lover. Everywhere I went I felt him around me, I heard him whispering in the wind. Things were going to change now… he was no longer around.
Here I am now, taking a walk in the park at 4 a.m. because for the past week sleep has been walking right passed me. It gets cold sometimes but I have lost all senses when I lost him and now I stare into the abyss remembering his soft kiss, his tender touch, his warm embrace. Then a tear sneaks down my cheek carrying sorrow, carrying soreness, carrying grief. Our story has come to end and the final dot has been written.
I sat there for hours, sat still, just remembering and with every memory came a tear and with every tear came a burn and with every burn came regret and longing. No more finding him by my side in the morning or falling asleep in his arms at night, no laughter to share, no sweet words to sigh. Well looky here, here comes the sun now in all its glory coming to announce a brand new day, but to me a new day has no meaning for time has stopped with the beating of his heart. The brigde has been burnt on both ends and I live among the dead fighting voices in my head.
I’m sorry heaven doesn’t have a phone because now it means I can’t hear your voice and it hurts terrbily knowing I never said goodbye and that hurts the most. It’s hard to force a smile but I’ve been trying… It hurts getting up in the morning but with heavy eyes I do… It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go but I’m doing it.
It hasn’t always been this way, I remember brighter days before the dark ones came and stole my mind. Sneaking out to the seashore, he made me the happiest of woman. We shared secrets only the Moon heard and he kept them from the world for he don't whisper his tales into human ears! We danced under the stars and bounced our way to the top. I loved the way he made my heart skip a beat or even at times race itself, but one thing is clear… there will be no one to take his place, no one to fill his shoes. I can still remember those days by the river, our laughter echoing in the vallies, our love creating a new kind of poetry… it was real and we both knew it… I remember hidding in the tree house and crying and him holding me tight. He had his ways of making me feel safe as though it was just us, as though the world no longer existed. He was always there to ease my fall, but now I only hit the ground harder each time. How about the days we went out on stormy weathers? We used to kiss under the rain as we find ways to cause trouble and feel alive. That was the way we got by.
I’ve been playing those days over and over again hoping they bring him back to life, but just because my heart beats faster doesn’t really mean it’ll bring him back to me!
But all I can see is that I am running in the wrong direction… I am trying to close the deep hole of my cold heart… but here I am 2 years older realizing that I’ve gone 3 steps behind. Searching for hope with the lost and lonely people, I wish he can ride in and save the day… he always knew what to say... but I guess I can’t see beyond my scar. The pain is so massive it’s blinding me and I know it but I simply can’t save myself. The tears I cry got my pillow drunk, the ache I feel got my heart screaming for mercy… I feel him but I don’t see him and I would do whatever it takes to turn this around and bring him back and keep us together… whatever it takes…
The world seems smaller now, darker and cold… I stay hidden from the light and walk around the empty streets at night, so serene and troublefree, and when it rains I shed a few tears for the memory of us blazes inside of me. I’m living like a slave to misery and I can’t shake it off, I can’t find the cure for pain. Heaven knows I tried to find the treatment to put an end to this suffering and try to find my way back into the light, find my way to the right path again, but I guess I can’t get enough of this pain. What do I do when everything falls apart and he’s not around? I don’t know who my real friends are, they stabbed me when I put my trust in them. He had to go and I understand but I guess it’s going to take me longer than I expected to heal as the matters of the heart are tricky and sensitive.
They know me as “The Girl With The Broken Smile”, but I couldn’t care less. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies and in my case it’s always showers and thunder, but after every storm comes a rainbow all I have to do is wait for my rainstorm to pass. I may be running from love, but who can blame me? The air I was breathing died and left me on this cruel planet. It’s hard to replace someone who made you run wild with imagination, who made you touch the sky.
He died and took the colors of my soul with him, everything faded to black. I walk around like a zombie roaming the gloomy avenues. I’m walking a lonely road and help is hard to find. I’m lonely and I’m tired and I’m missing him again…once again. Can’t help but think of the times we shared and hard times he helped me through. How I miss holding him when hope starts to weaken. Hear my cry… set me free from these chains holding me… stop these voices in my head… is anybody out there hearing me?? Rescue me!!
Morning breaks and another day finds me crying in the rain all alone. Who is this man that comes my way?? Is this the one who will set the captive free? I’m screaming “Jesus set me free” and as He passes by He looks straight into my eyes and says “do you want to be set free? Lift your chains, I hold the key that is your love… You are free.”
